Though my friends and family all thought highly of Alec,
some had their doubts when, after a year of serious dating, we got engaged and
set a wedding date for the summer after we graduated from college. I remember
one person in particular encouraging me to rethink things, saying I needed to “break it [our
relationship] off for a while, date other people, and enjoy your young years.”
I politely thanked him for his advice and said I had no intention of ending a
relationship with someone I cared about and who fit me so perfectly.
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| Photo Credit: Christina Blanarovich, Zen Photography |
At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I never had any doubts. I didn’t doubt for a second that Alec and I worked well together, or that God was blessing our relationship. But I had always dreamed of post-college life the way our society paints it, as a glowing time of independence and, well, fun. I wanted to see the world! Live on the edge! Grow as an individual! [Insert cliché "find yourself" phrase of choice]! I most definitely did not want to settle down right away, have kids, or start a long-term career. And pretty much everyone I knew who married right out of college did one or all of those things.
Instead of running for the hills (the hills in this metaphor being single life), I made one of the best decisions of my life and talked about these fears with Alec. He is the responsible, step-by-step kind of person I won’t ever be, and his general life plan prior to meeting me didn’t involve anything out of the ordinary. Plenty of likeminded men would have shied away from attaching themselves to a spontaneous, adventure-seeking tomboy like me, but not Alec. By the time he gave me that ring, he knew he was signing on for more excitement than he’d originally planned. My dreams meant as much to him as they did to me, and he made it clear that I wouldn’t have to sacrifice them to marry him.
That isn’t to say I didn’t have to sacrifice anything; my
aspiration to solo hike the Appalachian Trail is probably gone forever, and I’m
pretty bummed about it. Honestly though, these so-called sacrifices
feel more like collaborative improvements, both for me and for Alec. Case in
point: after graduating college in three years, I wanted to spend the fourth
doing something exciting and slightly irresponsible. Alec had been planning to
go straight from undergrad to grad school in Belgium. When we shared those
dreams with each other, Alec realized a year off of studying wouldn’t be such a
bad thing, and I decided living in Belgium for a while could be pretty awesome.
Fast-forward to present. We are volunteering at Lakes Ranch
(part horse ranch, part adventure camp, part events center) in New Zealand. We work hard taking care of camp and having fun with kids, and then on our days off we get to explore one of the most incredible places in the world. We’re doing all kinds of fun, crazy stuff, and while Alec is
loving it, he admits it never would have been his idea. On the other hand, Alec
is applying for fellowships to study in Belgium next year, and somewhere along
the way I decided to go for my Masters as well, which I probably wouldn’t have
done if my future philosophy professor of a husband weren’t going to put us back in a university setting for five years.
SPACE
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| Photo Credit: Christina Blanarovich, Zen Photography |
So if you’re like I was, worried that getting married too soon will take the fun out of life and/or force you
to give up your dreams, stop. Taken by itself, this is quite frankly a self-centered and narrow-minded reason to postpone marriage. Please, please, realize that the sacrifices marriage requires (as
long as they are mutual) do not equal selling your soul. Consider the
possibility that you can still enjoy your young years with someone else, and
that in the process your dreams might grow to be more than you ever imagined
they could be, not in spite of, but because of the fact that they aren’t just yours.
P.S. One last thing—if you also got married young and loved/are loving it, take a few minutes to leave your story in a comment below. I can't express how important it has been to have young couples who "went first" to look up to, and I'm sure you feel the same. This whole young-marriage-is-fun thing isn't as rare as people seem to think, and a lot of readers could benefit from hearing about your experiences along with mine!
P.S. One last thing—if you also got married young and loved/are loving it, take a few minutes to leave your story in a comment below. I can't express how important it has been to have young couples who "went first" to look up to, and I'm sure you feel the same. This whole young-marriage-is-fun thing isn't as rare as people seem to think, and a lot of readers could benefit from hearing about your experiences along with mine!
This is awesome. Honestly, it seems too good to be true. So happy for you, Linnea!
ReplyDeleteLinnea, I love your writing and your story. It is beautiful and precious and inspiring, too. Keep writing. Keep telling your story. It needs to be heard!
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly why I have avoided reading your blog! I love it and it makes me miss talking with you...and I should be reading Ranke or The Skillful Teacher.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of the twenties as being the "selfish years" has always really bothered me. I realize we live in a culture that focuses on independence, but devoting so much energy on the self now makes me think it will be hard to focus love and energy on someone else's needs and dreams later.
I got married at 18 and we already had a son. Like you, Linnea, I do not really believe in soul mates, but I love our marriage and I would not want to change anything that has happened in our life together. I do not think marrying young means "selling your soul". Relationships in our culture tend to stay together while both parties involved are satisfied with and benefiting from the relationship. We made a commitment to stay together even in the hard times. We can fully trust each other because we promised we would never leave.
In our first year of marriage we both attended Gordon College. During our freshman year we found out we were going to have another child. I took the next semester off, but am still graduating on time. My husband graduated a year early and is now in an MBA program at Boston College. It is hard nurturing a relationship with my husband and raising our two boys while earning college degrees, but we are doing it. I do not feel like I "lost" anything. We still go climbing, hiking, and to museums, but we also go to playgrounds and the children's section of the library. Being married young and having a small family has helped turn my focus away from myself. It is not all about me and my dreams. It is not even just about my accomplishments. My life is about our dreams and our future and I would not have it any other way.
From reader Kat Zemtsova:
ReplyDeleteLove being married young. I got married at 21 as well and have now been married for almost 7 years and wouldn't have it any other way. Here's a quote that one of my friends shared recently: "getting married at 22 is kind of like leaving a party at 9:30." This does not offend me. I agree. I left with the hottest and funnest person at the party and we picked up pizza on the way home and snuggled up watching Mad Men together. Everyone else is still at the party getting super wasted and barfing on themselves and making regrettable decisions.
I got married at 20, and wouldn't change a thing except my attitude leading up to the whole affair. While my husband was more prepared, I wasn't convinced for a while. I am an academic composer, a creative type, and most likely a lifelong learner. My plan was to attend college, go directly to graduate school, complete a DMA, live all over the world, hike the Pacific Crest Trail alone, write a series of theological books, reform fine arts education at Christian universities, and then maybe consider getting married to a sexy, long-haired Irishman who was also a professor, preferably of mathematics or physics so our kids would be brilliant (do not pass go, do not collect $200). The idea of getting married seemed like giving into a patriarchal expectation where I'd be forced to change my given name, stay at home, and clean up after someone who could barely tie his own shoes. (I've simmered down a bit since my earliest angry anarchocapitalist-feminista days -- only a bit, mind you.)
ReplyDeleteGetting married at twenty, I had to face the fact that no, I probably wouldn't hike the Pacific Crest alone, or get that self-indulgent MA in poetry that I had no intention of using, or study abroad in my senior year of college. I probably wouldn't get to live above a pub in Manchester, or go hostel-hopping at my every whim, or even have my own apartment. (INTP woman likes her alone time, even if she fills it with more Hulu than she should). But really, when it comes down to it, the God who gave me imagination, who gave me dreams and hopes and the desire to see His glory shining in the face of all mankind, the God who formed me and planned me and guides me has no intention of letting me go on and live my life selfishly. I believe that God created me to be wild-hearted, creative, and headstrong. I believe that Jesus is good news for me as a woman, an academic, and a sinner. I believe that marriage is a blessing; a picture of Christ and his church.
And strangely enough, being a "wife" (though I prefer "spouse-friend" because I have a weird aversion to the word "wife") didn't actually lock me down. In many ways, marriage has freed me. I have a wonderfully supportive husband who affirms me as a human being, encourages me to use my gifts freely. He lifts my needs and dreams above his own. He is kind, thoughtful, Biblically-minded, Christ-centered, intelligent, adventurous, and thoroughly charming (and he IS long-haired, even if he doesn't have the Irish accent I envisioned in my youth). He is a wise person, but also incredibly fun. He supports my educational goals, comes to my premieres, cheers me on, and takes me back to the woods whenever I get lonely for the quiet. I find that in comparison to his sacrificial love for me, I often fall wretchedly short.
(part 2 in a second...)
When I gave up my "freedom," I found a friendship I never dreamed about but wouldn't trade for anything. Instead of resigning myself to a life I never wanted, it has actually turned into a wonderful, secure lifelong adventure that has given birth to new dreams, the exciting revision of old dreams, and a sense of fullness and wildness that is far more wonderful than my selfish dreams. The joint mission of marriage is to save the world. To turn the hearts of the hardened. To display the unity of the Godhead, the sacrifice of Christ, and the kindness of God's people. To experience sanctification, restoration, the renewing of the mind and spirit. To look forward to the time when Christ will come again and claim us for his own.
ReplyDeleteEnough with this "season of selfishness." I want my twenties to be well-spent. I want to use this season in my life to learn to depart from selfishness. I want to be more like Christ right now, not in ten years when society expects me to.
Like Abraham sacrificing Isaac, the child he longed for his entire life, the prize he held dear, it was hard for me to lay that future down on the altar of God's will. But God's will is always better, and when we're wholeheartedly in it, sometimes He surprises us by giving back what we give to Him. I'm awfully glad He did, in my case, but I think I'd still be happy if He hadn't. In the words of C.S. Lewis, "there are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
This is so great Linnea!! You give wonderful insight into this sometimes scoffed at choice of marrying young :)
ReplyDeleteI'm 22, and have been married exactly 2 months today :) Whoohoo!
When Nick and I got engaged after dating for 11 months, we saw it as a culmination of God's goodness in our relationship, as well as a cross roads for us in that we knew we could not wait another year to be together, yet a month engagement seemed so short! In the end, what we desired and what we felt God's peace and blessing on was getting married sooner (as opposed to the summer following).
"Why wait?" was one of the key questions we prayed about and consulted elders on. We had known since we met that we were meant to be (for so many reasons:), and in the end, marrying sooner than later worked out best for us. When you love that person so much, really, why wait? We also felt it was more honoring to God to do so (this applies to our relationship, it's different for everyone).
I too had thought I wouldn't get married until at least my late 20's-- after I had time to live the way I wanted to live, and grow and work on my own. (Ha!)
After meeting Nicholas, however, my entire perspective changed. What could be better than spending every day with your best friend-- learning, growing, dreaming and experiencing life-- together. At least that's how I see it :) Marriage also tests and grows your integrity and character. It's an every day chance to sacrifice and love on someone. Which is great-- you just get to grow in so many ways! haha
I love being married young. It's awesome!
Getting married at 21 (or 20 if you want to count the civil service we had a year earlier whilst living across the country together) was the best decision I ever made in life. I was "with" my spouse for a few years. We started dating when I was 16, but I had known him since we were children. I moved across the country to be with him in college, so it was pretty intense from the start. It may not have been love at first sight, but it sure was infatuation (on both our parts) and it grew quickly into an incredible friendship, which kept getting deeper and deeper. The love part came faster than expected and when we got engaged, you can bet there were a few eye rolls, many "are you guys SURE you are readys" and other negative thoughts/comments from our well intentioned friends and family. We married, and started officially living our life together, even though we had been doing that for 3 years already. I do believe in soul mates. But my definition is a bit different than the normal. My husband is my soul mate. He is the one that fits so perfectly into my life that I could not imagine it without him. He completes me because he is my better half. And I am his. When I scream, he calms me. When I cry, he comforts me. When I bottle things up, he yells it out. When I fall, he stands strong for me to climb back up on. It's hard work. Marriage is no picnic in the park. It always irks me when people say the first year of marriage is the best. Actually, it's one of the hardest because you are still learning each others' nuances. Like a fine wine, it gets better with age. We waited 9 years to have children. We spent our 20s enjoying life, but doing so together. For me, that was the best possible thing that could have happened. Why? Because I used to be shy. I used to be insecure. I would have wilted in the big world and would not have flourished the way I did because of that man that forced me to get out there and shine. And for him? Well, I tempered him. He was too wild, too carefree, too careless (all his words, not mine). I grounded him and gave him a reason to live a very different life than he was. A calmer, richer life. We've been through more than most couples our age. And even more than most couples married as long as we have. Cancer almost made me a widow at 24. But instead, it made our love stronger. It made our life fuller, because we chose to reevaluate our habits and work in order to be happier. We fight. We get angry at each other. But we support each other to the ends of the earth. When we finally brought kids into the mix, it made things much harder, but being only 30 and having been together for over 10 years made it not so bad. It's been 13 years of marriage (18 total together) and when all is said and done I've been together with my husband for more than half my life. I haven't miss anything I care about. Sure, I didn't go through a slew of terrible boyfriends. I didn't sit at home lonely, wondering if I should go to the bar or not at 11pm. I didn't get a chance to go to the Caribbean with a group of friends who then got drunk and left me alone in the resort bar while they hooked up with strangers... Nope didn't miss a thing. I traveled the country with a man who loves and protects me. Who respects my faults and strengths equally and whose greatest desire is to see me happy. Entering into "old" territory (I'll be 35 in a week and a half), I can honestly say... life is good. Nah, life is freaking amazing. It's better than I imagined when I was younger because it's not just my life. It's our life. It's our adventure. And we've still got a lot of it to live.
ReplyDeleteI met my husband at church when I was 15 and he was 20. I of course never considered that I would date someone so much older. He was loved and trusted by my Mom before we ever got together, or else I think my Dad would have had a heart attack. We got to know each other through planning and attending a church canoe trip to the Minnesota Boundary waters. We started dating on July 14, 1985. I was 16 and he was almost 21. We knew we were "the One" for each other within the first year and secretly purchased our engagement rings. We didn't announce our engagement until after I graduated from high school, and didn't get married until I turned 21. He supported me through college and encouraged me to follow my dream of becoming a veterinarian. I never had to sacrifice my dreams, although we made sacrifices together. We decided to have children young (for me), because he didn't want to be an "old man" not able to play with his kids or see his grandkids. I was 23 and he was 28 when our first of three kids was born (halfway through vet school). The second was born just after graduation and 2 months before I started my career as a veterinarian. The third came 4 years later. We have built a family together and though many things have been difficult, the love, friendship and reward has been great. We are now seeing our two oldest in college and the "baby" a freshman in high school. Life is busy, and we are tired, but not as tired as my friends who waited to get married and waited to have kids. They are now staying home and we are starting to travel the world. I married my best friend at 21 years of age and now am looking forward to celebrating my 24th year of marriage next summer. I am 44 years of age, and I have been together with my husband for 28 of those years. I wouldn't change a thing!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I got married when he was 21 and I was 19. We have been married 14 years, have 4 children and are in the process of adopting 2 siblings from Ethiopia. We have had an amazing journey and have grown up and become who we are together. It hasn't all been storybook to say the least, but we are each other's forever and I can honestly say, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him on this most grand and blessed adventure that is love, marriage, family and life! Love each other more than you love yourself and less than you love the Lord and you will do just fine! Blessings!
ReplyDeleteSo the mathematician in me says covenant Christian marriage, at whatever age, yields ∞ blessings. Sell your soul and sigh over your open palm - you will see its ashes float off, imperceptible in a world of gray. Definitely ≠.
ReplyDeleteThe ∞ blessed wife in me says your dad and I wish we had met as babies, thereby avoiding a small earthly host of issues and situations followed hard by consequences and ghosts of consequences. But that was our path to each other! As we grew to know what kind of God has saved us, what kind of God we love and serve, we learned what kind of a deal he offers. I am talking of the god who restores years devoured by ravaging omnivorous insects. So we made a trade. We boxed up a yard sale's worth of chipped dreams, hopes come unhinged, mateless promises forever separated from their fulfillments, and got this amazing beauty and joy. We have lived there ever since.
The mom in me says it is true you are young, and not completely grown up. Maybe that line begs a me either, or a who is?, but I like looking at it squarely, like a fact. You have a remarkable husband, also young and not completely grown up. He has a brilliant wife. Daddy warned him about that. You live your lives growing toward the light. All will be well.
I was engaged at 18 to a man I met when I was 14, married at 19 and the first of my 8 children was born when I was 20. It wasn't about giving something up, it was about finding the person I wanted to share the journey with. And I did, have a journey. It was just like any other journey, ups and downs and smooth sailing and pot holes and it was good. I said goodbye to the man I chose over 3 years ago and God blessed me with another beautiful soul to take another journey with and it has been unique and wonderful and each day I wake up with joyful anticipation of the next road we will travel together. Good for you Linnea! Hang on tight and enjoy the ride:) What a blessing.
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